Friday, 9 March 2012

The world through Lydia's eyes: Waking Up

It's dark. Very dark.

They must have closed those metal things over the window again.

I can see pretty well though. Over the last few months, my eyes have adapted well to being in the dark. Wonder if that's down to all those carrots I've been eating?

[big stretch, cough, small burp]

Ok, quick status report: I'm in my bed, lying on my side. For some reason my head is at the wrong end of the bed, again. Who keeps moving me during the night? I'm tucked up warm in my sleeping bag. I'm hungry.

Right, let's have a look around-- AAARGH!! What the hell is that??!?

Oh wait, it's just the giant stuffed penguin that Daddy insists on putting in my bed. Stupid penguin, can't wait until I can talk so I can tell Daddy I don't actually like penguins.

[punches penguin]

Take that you stupid penguin!

Right, back to looking around. Looks like nothing has changed since last night. Good - I don't like change.

Hmm, definitely hungry now. It's about time I got a clean nappy, too.

Well I know how to sort this out - same thing that works every morning, I'll just call Maman and Daddy...

Maman? Daddy?
Hello?
I'm awake! Feed me!
No wait, change me then feed me!
Hello?
Maman?
Daddy?

Hmm. They haven't answered. They always take ages to come. That is so annoying.
That little plastic thing with the light on it somehow makes them come and see me.

[stands up, holds onto the bed railing as close to baby monitor as possible]

This should be close enough. Here we go again...

MAMAN? DADDY?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, I'M AWAKE AND I'M HUNGRY!
IF YOU DON'T COME SOON, I'LL ADD AN EXTRA SOMETHING TO MY NAPPY!

[muttered noises from outside]

Aha! Success!

[door opens, Maman walks in]

Heh heh heh, works everytime.

Hey Maman! I missed you!
Come, let's see what's in my nappy.

[picked up and cuddled by Maman]

No, I don't want a hug, just change the friggin' nappy.

[Maman continues cuddling]

I said, I don't want a hug - I'm wet and hungry, just get on with it will you?
And where's my milk?

[pushes away from Maman, gets laid down on the changing table]

Alright, Maman seems to be learning. Only had to get a little bit physical that time.

[nappy gets changed]

Ah, finally. That's better, feel much cleaner now.

[Maman makes silly faces and noises]

Look, you've sorted out the messy bit, let's get a move on and feed me, shall we?

[Maman continues to make silly faces, sings songs]

I don't think she's listening to me.
I said, I'M HUNGRY! GIVE ME MY BOTTLE!

[kicks Maman in the face]

Don't make me hurt you woman!
TAKE ME TO MY BOTTLE!

[Maman tells Lydia off, picks her up]

Aha, success. Right, so kicking her in the face gets me picked up? Excellent, I'll remember that one.

Life looks like it might not be so tough after all!


...TO BE CONTINUED...

1 comment:

Jonathan (JW) Weaver said...

Pretty much a female Stewie Griffin in the making i think you could have there Paul, and tweeted as much to, so you could see some hits coming your way. Good Luck. JW